PYONGYANG—The Democratic People's Republic of Korea has released photos purportedly showing Kim Jong Un alive and well, but the photos are clearly just Jackie Chan being held hostage in a fat suit.
Authorities now believe Jackie Chan has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by the DPRK, though experts are fairly confident Chan will break his way out soon enough by kicking and punching thousands of North Korean soldiers in increasingly outlandish and hilarious fashions.
The Hong Kongese martial artist and actor went missing several days prior to the release of the photos, and now it appears that he's definitely been kidnapped by the North Korean government.
"As you can see, Supreme Leader is alive and well," said a DPRK spokesperson as a sweating, nervous Chan smiled for photographs. After they got one picture, though, Chan did a triple backflip 360 and started knocking out various DPRK soldiers with a chicken.
The wacky shenanigans of Chan's escape will be the subject of a PG-13 comedy titled "Kidnapped in Korea" costarring Owen Wilson as an airheaded U.S. operative who has one last mission to redeem himself.