HEAVEN—A heavenly representative confirmed today that the old test of whether or not you believe in Jesus will be replaced by asking candidates for entry into heaven to try to plug a USB cable in correctly the first time.
Should they fail, they will be sent plummeting down a trapdoor to hell.
"This test will separate the sheep from the goats," said St. Peter as a long line of people queued up to try their hand at plugging a USB cable into a laptop. "It'll help keep out the riff-raff -- I really felt like we've been far too gracious at letting people in here nowadays. it's like, come on, what is this, hell? We're not that inclusive."
"This really should help with our overcrowding problem."
"OK, got it all lined up -- I've made sure the two plastic parts aren't bumping," mumbled one sweating man who had died in a car crash earlier in the day. "I'm absolutely, 100% positive I've got this thing lined up. Here we go."
The man then tried to plug it in and found that through some devilry, the port had flipped itself around, and he plugged it in wrong.
"No, wait, if I try the other way, I'm sure it will be right!" he said nervously. St. Peter graciously allowed him to try it the other way, but sure enough, that too was wrong.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed that those who repent and trust in Jesus will get to plug in a USB-C cable for the test.