WASHINGTON, D.C.—During a brief moment of introspection in which President Trump was reportedly thinking about how to handle the volatile situation in North Korea, witnesses claim a miniaturized version of Pastor Robert Jeffress of First Baptist Church of Dallas appeared on the commander in chief’s shoulder and whispered, “Nuke ’em, Donald!” in an attempt to push the president toward military action against the impoverished Asian nation.
According to sources, Trump stroked his chin and looked out across the White House lawn as the tiny pastor materialized near his ear and began to persuade the president to turn North Korea into a parking lot.
“Come on, God has given you the authority to take out Kim Jong-un. What are you waiting for?” Jeffress whispered as Trump considered all the options. “Nuke em, baby! Nuke em!”
“You know I love nukes as much as you do, Pastor,” Trump reportedly replied. “No one loves nukes more than me. Nukes are great. Tremendous, really. But maybe we should call North Korea’s bluff and wait it out. I talk a big game, preacher, but when it comes down to it, I’m not sure if I can instigate a war that will surely turn into a quagmire and probably result in millions of innocents dying.”
Jeffress was unhappy with this response, and continued arguing for decisive military action against the East Asian dictator.
“Well, look who’s Mr. Goody Two-Shoes all of a sudden,” he said disdainfully, according to witnesses. “Come on, Donald. You’ll be a legend! Make the call, and make history! Let’s do it together, Mr. President! Jesus wants you to fire a nuke!”
At publishing time, Jeffress had disappeared in a cloud of smoke, as the words “Nuke emmmmmmm” echoed hauntingly throughout the Oval Office.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.