Op-Ed: What Will Get This Economy Going Again Is Child Labor
Op-Ed

“Lazy, good for nothing kids!” That’s a phrase you hear a lot these days -- especially if you’re around me, because I say it a lot. The economy is in the toilet, we got a so-called “pandemic,” and riots are everywhere, and what are kids up to? They’re on their tik toks and on their scooters and fiddling with the stock market -- doing no good for no one! Well, I have a solution for everything -- even better than wearing hats.

Two words: child labor.

Now let’s clear up some misconceptions here. What I am talking about is hard, back-breaking, and preferably dangerous (to help get the whines out of them) labor for small children. That’s what will get the country and this economy going again. And you don’t need no exorbitant $15 minimum wage for no kids. You can pay them a dime and they’ll be happy. “Ooh! I can buy me a lollipop!” Kids is dumb.

Oh, I can hear the objections now from bleeding-heart liberals. “Don’t kids need to go to school?” they’ll cry. You can’t fool me. I know they ain’t going to school right now since the teachers’ unions are using some pretend virus to get paid to do nothing. And even if they did, all kids learn in school is useless things like worshipping Gaia and how it’s okay for a boy to wear a dress and integrals.

But think of how much more kids will learn from an honest day’s work. They’ll learn discipline. They’ll learn how to handle money. They’ll learn what to do if you lose a finger. And they’ll learn not to sass, because no foreman is going to put up with sass from no kid. He’ll dock their pay and lock them in a coke oven for that.

So what are we waiting for? I keep hearing how this virus I don’t even believe in doesn’t affect kids. That’s pretty much a sign from God we need to send out our kids as our labor force now that everyone else is laying around at home watching Flixnets and eating their DoorDashes. So let’s turn this country around by getting kids out of our homes and off the internet and into factories and coal mines. In the least, let’s get them far away from my lawn.

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