NEW YORK, NY—Moments after Mike Bloomberg announced he was suspending his campaign, the Bloomberg campaign office was filled with inconsolable mourners, who were compensated handsomely.
"No, Mike, don't drop out -- please!" screamed one woman as she sobbed uncontrollably for the nice sum of $2,500. "We need you! America needs you! We love you, Mike!"
One mourner was seen rolling around on the ground screaming. Another was quieter and more reflective, as he was only paid $50. A high-ranking campaign staffer was reportedly paid over $50,000 to commit seppuku to restore honor to his name after failing the great Mike Bloomberg.
To end the memorial for his campaign, Bloomberg pulled out the world's tiniest violin and played a somber tune, though it was just a normal-sized violin in comparison with him (because he is small).
"Now that I'm done, I guess I'll go to Disneyland," Bloomberg joked, although he probably won't have much fun at Disneyland since he cannot ride most of the attractions (again, the height thing).
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.