NOVATO, CA—Local pastor Lance Vaccarino was declared to be disqualified from ministry at Sunrise Christian Church after his midichlorian test came back negative.
The fallen pastor will be placed under church discipline and assigned to the welcome team until a full investigation can be conducted.
Vaccarino has served faithfully for three years, but the church had their doubts about just how Spirit-filled and Force-driven he was. So they scheduled a midichlorian test for him, and sure enough, he didn't have a single one of the microscopic organisms that imbue a person with Force sensitivity, preaching ability, and mad lightsaber skills.
"His ministry just didn't seem very Spirit-driven, so we ordered the midichlorian test, and sure enough, he doesn't have any," said deacon Sam Willaby. The blood test was sent to a denominational review board, and they reported that they have never seen a midichlorian count so low.
Midichlorians are tiny bacteria-like organisms that provide spiritual gifting. Persons with high midichlorian counts are able to become pastors and famous celebrity preachers or faith healers. Those with few or no midichlorians are relegated to basic tasks like stacking chairs after the service and brewing the coffee, which they still somehow manage to screw up.
"It's just an important lesson for all of us," Willaby continued. "Make sure to have your pastor tested for midichlorians."