CHARLESTON, SC—As megachurch pastor Andrew Vaughn of Monument Hills Church rocketed high through the air across the sanctuary at Sunday morning’s service, having just been shot out of a giant cannon in a highly publicized stunt designed to attract more visitors, the pastor was suddenly struck with the realization that he would have to one-up the move to keep his audience entertained the following week.
“Oh man,” he reportedly thought to himself as he careened through the air in a triple somersault, the congregation no more than a blur a hundred feet beneath him. “I’m really gonna have to up the ante next Sunday if I’m gonna retain all these visitors.”
“They don’t really teach you how to deal with this kind of pressure in seminary,” the worried minister continued thinking as he flew through the house of worship.
As Vaughn flawlessly finished off the somersault and extended his body into his big finishing pose, hurtling toward the safety net stationed on the opposite end of the auditorium, he began considering options for next week’s wacky antics to continue to “get butts in seats,” according to sources.
“I could ride in on an elephant. That might be good,” he contemplated as he landed to wild applause from the church audience. “But maybe that’s a step backward. And I’ve already jumped the stage on a dirt bike and performed every modern pop song I can think of to appease the crowds. Ugh. It’s just really hard to follow an awesome act like this.”
At publishing time, Vaughn had settled on skydiving from an F-22 Raptor into the baptismal, reasoning that “this ought to make God relevant.”