SAN DIEGO, CA—“I’m a forward-thinking environmentalist!” said Jude Ashton, a backward-thinking, planet-killing, sorry excuse for a progressive. “Just because I haven’t eaten a cicada yet, doesn’t mean I’m not.”
“I just don’t want to eat bugs,” said the so-called progressive who allegedly cares about the planet. “Why can’t I just eat other protein-dense, gluten-free, environmentally conscious food sources?”
Other progressives rightfully questioned Ashton’s commitment to the cause since he admitted himself he hadn’t eaten a single terneral or nymph cicada.
Ashton tried to explain that he was in fact a bleeding heart progressive by saying, “I support a carbon tax, I think abortion should be on-demand at anytime, I changed my profile pic to a black square, and I even stuck by the Green New Deal even after it was ridiculed mercilessly!” But despite all of his pleas, no one was convinced.
“Clearly, if he won’t change his entire eating habits to a cicada-based diet, he must be hiding something!” said a close, progressive friend. “I bet he’s a coal-burning, non-recycling, Trump-lover!”
Shamed and berated by those who claim to love him the most, Jude Ashton finally gave in and forced himself to eat a cicada sandwich and washed it down with a cicada smoothie.