LOS ANGELES, CA—According to sources at the Johnson household, the Reformed family’s pathetic newborn Beverly couldn’t answer a single question out of the Westminster Shorter Catechism during family worship Wednesday evening.
The family patriarch began posing questions from the teaching tool to each of his nine children, and was reportedly “deeply disappointed” when the youngest of the bunch was unable to answer “even the easy questions.” The “total spiritual failure” was even baptized already, but still failed to answer a single question correctly.
“What is the chief end of man?” Mr. Johnson reportedly asked, to which little Beverly merely made a cooing sound. “That’s OK, we don’t always get it on the first try. Bev, what is the chief end of man? I’ll only ask you once more.” The newborn tilted her head and began to drool, causing Johnson to furrow his brow and shake his head. “WHAT IS THE CHIEF END OF MAN?”
“Do you think there’s something wrong with her? Maybe… maybe she’s not elect,” Johnson’s wife Hannah whispered to him as the man continued to grill the infant on various questions from the popular 17th century catechism.
At publishing time, the family reported that the two-month-old had shown her true colors as a vessel for wrath by obstinately refusing to sing along with the family’s a cappella rendition of Psalm 59.