WASHINGTON, D.C.—Well, it's shaping up to be a bad week for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. The Democratic primaries are in chaos, Trump delivered a positive, high-energy State of the Union address, the economy is good, and Trump was just acquitted of the articles of impeachment.
But Pelosi made it even worse on herself by tearing up Trump's State of the Union address in front of the whole nation. She ended up overexerting herself, and 54 different bones in her hands and wrists immediately snapped during the ripping. Fourteen different muscles were also strained. She fell to the ground in pain, nearly getting trampled by Mike Pence and President Trump, who pretended not to see her.
Luckily, she had one of those buttons old people hang around their necks, and she was able to press it to call for help.
"I'd trained for weeks to prepare for ripping up those few pages, but I forgot to stretch before the big event," she told the doctor sheepishly. "I even pre-ripped the pages so they'd be easier to tear up, but it wasn't enough. I shouldn't have skipped arm day at the water aerobics class last week. Oh, boy, am I going to look silly. But I'll just blame it on Trump somehow."
During the doctors' scans, they also discovered she had contracted Trump Derangement Syndrome. There is no known cure.