WASHINGTON, D.C.—Hot on the heels of yet another ballistic missile launch in North Korea, the Department of Defense recommended Tuesday that all citizens begin playing through a binge gaming marathon of the Fallout series of video games in order to prepare for life in the nuclear wastelands.
Speaking on an emergency public broadcast video, Secretary of Defense James Mattis stated that all Americans should consider picking up all of the core Fallout games, should they wish to have the experience and skills necessary to survive the coming nuclear winter.
“These games teach essential survival techniques, like how to fight off any mutants, scavengers, or nuclear cults that might attack you and your family after you exit your secure fallout-proof vault,” Mattis said. “Important skills like hoarding bottlecaps to trade for custom gatling lasers or raider power armor are also covered by most of the games in the franchise.”
“We urge all Americans to marathon the Fallout games immediately.”
Mattis further stated his preference for Fallout: New Vegas, despite numerous bugs and glitches, due to its realism and enjoyable storyline, while adding that he did enjoy the first two or three games in the series in spite of their age as well.
“Fallout 4 works in a pinch, but really it pales in comparison to the classics,” he said.
At publishing time, the Pentagon had further recommended a playthrough of classic JRPG Chrono Trigger, in case an ancient alien parasite arises from its slumber to feed off the world’s energy.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.