JERUSALEM—In a decision that's rocking the church around the world, Christian authorities have decided to revoke Simon Peter's apostleship after disparaging comments against Gentiles were discovered in a personal journal dating back to Peter's teen years.
Found within an ancient scroll uncovered in the ruins of Bethsaida, the comments reveal young Simon's true feelings about the people and cultures of Greece and Rome. In one passage, he refers to Gentiles using words that roughly translate as "stinky" and "dumb."
"This is a sad but unsurprising revelation for us," said Bible scholar David Haddad. "It sheds light on Peter's reluctance to be seen with Gentiles later in his life. This is something the Apostle Paul rebuked him for, but up to now, we didn't realize how bad it was!"
Church leaders acknowledged that Peter, like every person, was imperfect, but this new revelation was just too problematic to be ignored. "We know he denied Christ three times and was forgiven, but problematic anti-Gentile statements like this risk hurting the reputation of the church and its ability to spread the gospel," said Pope Francis in an interview.
Churches are currently making plans to remove statues of Peter all around the world. Sources in Heaven reached out to Peter for comment. According to witnesses, Peter simply laughed and disappeared into his epic 22-story mansion.