Politics
Philly Bans All Indoor Gatherings Unless You're Still Counting Biden Votes

PHILADELPHIA, PA—With new COVID cases on the rise, and after reports that there are a few Americans left whose spirits are not fully broken yet, states are cracking down on social gatherings during the holidays. Philadelphia is leading the way with a citywide curfew and strict bans on gatherings that include eating, drinking, fellowship, or merriment. The only exception will be for vote counters who are still counting Biden mail-in ballots at counting centers.

"We must flatten the curve and whatever," said Pennsylvania's Health Secretary Rachel Levine, "but we also must protect our democracy from the evil tyranny of Donald Trump. This is why we have chosen to make an exception on our indoor gathering restriction for anyone who is still doing the hard work of counting as many Biden ballots as possible in Philly."

According to sources, there is a group of 100 dedicated Democrats packed into a top-secret counting room to ensure Trump isn't re-elected. 

"The health consequences of electing Donald Trump would be far worse than any consequences from spreading COVID at counting centers," said Levine.

Democrat families who wish to celebrate the holidays together are invited to meet at a Philadelphia counting center to share a meal and count as many Biden votes as humanly possible.

"This is a great way to start a family tradition!" Levine said. 

 

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