CHICAGO, IL—Crime has been on the rise lately, and police are now warning of a particularly scary trend. They say there has been an increase in murder, but not just any type of murder. The increase is in boring, straightforward murders that will not provide any entertaining content for a podcast or a Netflix documentary.
“What we’re seeing is a high number of things such as gangland shootings where everyone knows who did it,” said police chief Byron Carlson. “Also some crimes of passion where, once again, there is no mystery about what happened. What we’re not seeing is a woman who maybe fed her husband to a tiger but no one can prove it—nothing interesting like that.”
The announcement has reverberated throughout the podcasting community. “Interesting murders are propping up a whole industry,” said true-crime podcaster Lisa Delgado. “I don’t know what we’ll do if we run out of mysterious deaths. I’ve tried covering some mysterious bike thefts, but no one cares about those. No one cares at all.”
There seems to be little that the average podcaster can do, but those with deep pockets like Netflix are starting to train and fund serial killers in hopes of meeting future content demands.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.