WASHINGTON, D.C.—Politicians in Washington have developed a radar that detects when people are enjoying something so they can figure out what will be the target of their next ban.
The advanced fun detection system has already found hundreds of new things that politicians in Washington weren't aware people were enjoying. Every day, the lawmakers and executives are provided with a list of fun stuff people are doing and then immediately get to work on stopping this fun.
"Welp, looks like it's vapes today," said one advisor in the White House as he checked the charts. "People are having a lot of fun with them. A very small percentage of people are dying of them. So, we've got to ban them."
"Also they look stupid."
Radar reports people have been enjoying drones, fireworks, video games, plastic straws, saturated fats, milk, rain water, hunting rifles, free speech, the Second Amendment, plastic bags, and feeding homeless people. These and many other dangerous freedoms were quickly targeted by lawmakers.
"It's amazing when I look at this printout every morning and notice how much freedom there still is out there despite our best efforts," said one congressman. "There is much work to be done."
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.