U.S.—A new poll released Monday found that over 97% of Americans support taking those who violate the 15-items-or-less limit of a grocery store express checkout lane and launching them into the sun.
Lawmakers across the country quickly rushed to capitalize on this popular policy by writing laws that would force people who bring more than 15 items to be sent on space missions to explore the surface of the sun. The craft will land at high velocity and be armed with tiny nuclear warheads to provide a satisfying "boom" on impact. They will also be armed with special heat-resistant cameras so everyone around the world can enjoy the mission via live stream.
"While a minority of Americans supported simple deportation for those who bring more than 15 items into the express checkout lane, the overwhelming majority wanted them to be strapped to a rocket and then fired into the sun," said an expert. "At a time when Americans are divided more than ever before, we are pleased that there is at least one thing that we can all rally around: people who try to sneak into the fast lane should meet the sun at a high rate of speed."
Other punishments supported by the majority of Americans included nuking them from orbit, death by pufferfish, and forcing them to move to Portland.
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