PORTLAND, OR—Federal agents were stuck in a tense standoff with Portland's "wall of moms" last night. The two sides were at an impasse, with federal officers having run out of tear gas and the protesters having run out of kombucha.
"Call in the secret weapon," said one desperate federal agent as the hundreds of moms closed in.
"You don't mean..." began his subordinate incredulously.
"I said do it!" the agent screamed.
The other officer nodded solemnly and made the call.
Minutes later, a federal helicopter air-dropped in a large red man right in front of the line of rioters: the Kool-Aid Man.
"OHHHHH YEEEEAHHH!!!" he cried as he charged through the wall of moms, the wall of vets, the wall of unemployed philosophy majors, and the wall of fur babies, knocking them over like bowling pins.
The feds thought he was going to knock some skulls together and put down the riot, but unfortunately, once he had broken through the wall, he just served everybody delicious, refreshing Kool-Aid. Rioters quickly condemned the tactic as police brutality and pointed to the Kool-Aid Man's racist tendencies to serve everybody cool, refreshing beverages no matter their skin color.