Church
Presbyterian Minister Reminds Congregation To Keep Hands And Arms Inside The Pews Until Service Comes To A Full And Complete Stop

BLOOMINGTON, IL—According to sources at a local OPC congregation, Reverend Jacob J. Gresham solemnly warned church members to keep all hands and arms inside the pews until the service came to a full and complete stop Sunday morning.

The elder of the church gives the warning every Sunday. While most Presbyterians already know the rules of church safety, sometimes visitors show up and begin raising their hands in joy and excitement. The warning aims to put a stop to all that, for the safety of all.

"We want to thank you for joining us today," he began. "As a reminder, this service will be worshiping the God of all creation, and you may be tempted to flail about like a crazy person. But please, keep your hands and arms inside the pews until the service comes to a full and complete stop. Safety bars have been provided in your pews to keep your arms down. Make sure your seatbelt is fastened and your arms are secured snugly by your side."

"Finally, sit back and enjoy the service, and please enjoy the rest of your stay at the seriousest place on earth."

At publishing time, sources had confirmed that one woman had raised a hand during a lively rendition of "A Mighty Fortress" in the original German and was banned from the church for life.

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

There is 1 comment on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.