Entertainment Politics Barack Obama Nicolas Cage
President Obama Pardons Nicolas Cage For 'Left Behind' Remake

WASHINGTON, D.C.—On one of his final days in office, President Barack Obama has issued a full presidential pardon to Nicolas Cage for his involvement in the 2014 remake of the Left Behind movie, sources at the White House confirmed Wednesday.

Cage was serving a life sentence for his participation in the assault upon the unsuspecting American public when the President issued his full and unconditional pardon, granting the actor immediate release from federal incarceration.

“I can’t begin to express my gratitude to the President for his graciousness in this matter,” said Cage. “I spent a lot of time in the slammer, the scenes from the film running through my mind. I can only say I’m deeply sorry to the American people that you had to see all that.”

The veteran actor further reported that he’s been checked into a rehab clinic designed to help actors make better life choices and be more discerning about the roles they agree to take on.

At publishing time, Cage had sadly relapsed, signing on for a full 48 movies of widely varying quality slated for 2017 alone, according to sources.

Breaking: PayPal Now Available

Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.