NORTH POLE—Toy production in Santa’s magical workshop reportedly ground to a halt after progressive elves staged a walkout to protest Kyle Rittenhouse’s inclusion on the coveted “Nice” list.
“When we heard our boss had placed Rittenhouse on the nice list, we were shocked,” stated protest organizer and gumdrop aficionado, Dumplekins Lolliboppin, “especially after learning from MSNBC that Rittenhouse was a white supremacist who crossed state lines to shoot black people.”
The protesting elves were seen marching in a circle outside the workshop of Mr. and Mrs. Claus, holding tiny protest signs made of candy canes and gum wrappers, chanting:
Hee hee hee, ho ho ho,
Rittenhouse has got to go!
Poor harmless arsonist pedophile,
No nice list for racist Kyle!
Witnesses say Santa Claus spoke with the protestors, reminding them that Kyle Rittenhouse was a child who had the courage to protect Kenosha from Rioters bent on destroying the futures of the town’s children, that crossing state lines was not illegal, and that MSNBC was even more conniving and malicious than Elf on the Shelf.
When Jolly Ol’ Saint Nicholas saw that the progressives did not care for facts, he summarily fired Dumplekins Lolliboppin and other diminutive protest organizers, prompting the remaining elves to return to their workbenches and resume cobbling together ever-popular AR-15 rifles.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.