U.S.—The nation's progressives announced Wednesday they will resume lecturing you on morality after they're finished applauding a new law allowing more babies to be murdered that was passed in New York yesterday.
"Usually we like to lecture people to do better at following our movement's ever-shifting moral compass every day," said one woman in Manhattan. "But we'll take the day off so we can spend a few minutes and celebrate this great new law that lets mothers kill their babies without consequence."
"I mean, more easily than they already could, of course," she quickly added.
Progressives stated they would be lecturing you on topics ranging from social and economic justice to climate change and fracking. But most of all, they'll be focusing on lecturing you on healthcare, especially for the nation's babies and children.
"Oh yeah, we're gonna go all-in on talking about how compassionate we are, pushing for healthcare for all," said one man in Austin, Texas. "We're the true pro-lifers, advocating for other people to pay for your healthcare. But first, I'm gonna take the day and loudly celebrate this most recent decision allowing more unborn babies to be murdered. Tomorrow, I'll get around to the lecture."