Promising Next Careers For The Now Unemployed Andrew Cuomo
Sponsored

Brought to you by:


Andrew Cuomo has had a rough couple of weeks. As he exits his role as the most desirable bachelor governor of all time, sources say he is excited to look at some new career prospects. According to sources close to Cuomo, here are the options he's currently looking at: 

TSA Agent: Or any other government job that will pay him to put his hands all over people.

Retire to a nice pristine New York nursing home: After a full and productive career, maybe it's just time to retire! Since all the retirement homes are empty, he can have his pick of a completely empty facility.

Hero Italian plumber who saves the mushroom kingdom: Growing a mustache, fighting Bowser, and saving Princess Peach ain't a bad gig, especially when the pay is all the psychedelic shrooms you can eat. 

Cuomosexual rights advocate: There are many disenfranchised cuomosexuals around the country who are in danger of having their rights stripped away. Someone needs to stand up for them.

Department store dressing room janitor: There are many openings across the country which offer minimum wage, although Cuomo has suggested he may volunteer to do it for free. 

Hollywood director: Admittedly, Cuomo may not be enough of a perv to pull this off.

Rebrand as gay and run for governor again: Everyone knows that coming out as gay will wipe your slate clean after past sexual improprieties. 

Democratic presidential candidate: The most likely scenario. Experts say Cuomo has harrassed enough women to qualify for this position. 

We wish Cuomo the best of luck in his search. 


NOT SATIRE: The job hunt is frustrating. You blast boring resumes, apply online, and never hear back. With the Crash coaching system, we'll help you stand out by pitching companies directly, to actually get interviews. No resume needed! No connections required! Book a free 15-minute consult call here.

There are 130 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.