Prophet Elijah Criticized For Not Being More Seeker-Friendly

U.S.—A coalition of seeker-sensitive pastors released a statement Thursday condemning the prophet Elijah for not using more seeker-friendly methods in his prophetic ministry.

"Elijah's heart was in the right place, but we're not sure that calling fire down from the heavens and then hacking God's enemies to pieces was the best church growth strategy," said one church growth expert. He pointed to a whiteboard containing the acronym "GROWTH." "See? Nowhere in this handy acronym does it say 'Slay all the prophets of Baal.'"

They heavily criticized Elijah's mocking of Baal as well. "We cringed as we read the account of Elijah asking whether or not Baal was in the restroom. A much more pragmatic, effective method would have been to come alongside the prophets of Baal and ask if they had any first-world problems that Yahweh could resolve for them. Then, Elijah could have sucker-punched them with an altar call. BAM—instant converts!"

One prominent seeker-sensitive guru suggested that Elijah should have set out tables with free donuts and coffee to lure in the prophets of Baal before preaching to them. "And a free visitor's kit with swag would have worked wonders," he added.

At publishing time, a conference discussing the decidedly non-seeker-sensitive methods of Elijah's successor had also been announced. The name of the conference is "Why Your Church Should Avoid Using Bears To Attract Visitors."

Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee

After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.

Get FREE Access

*with premium subscription to The Babylon Bee

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.