KENOSHA, WI—During his closing argument yesterday in the Rittenhouse trial, lead prosecutor Thomas Binger proved just how deadly an AR-15 can be by spraying bullets into the jury.
"AR-15's are big and scary, and to prove it, look at this!" he exclaimed to the horrified jury as he produced a scary-looking black rifle. "Don't let my adorable fauxhawk hairstyle and metrosexual glasses fool you, I know how to handle these deadly weapons!"
He then sprayed several rounds into the seated jurists, hitting 7 of them.
"Oops! Oh no! That wasn't supposed to happen!" said the startled prosecutor as he began to soil his trousers. "But that just goes to show you how deadly and dangerous these things are! Kyle Rittenhouse had absolutely no business carrying one! They just go off and kill people at random!"
Binger then glanced at his partner prosecutor and gave a thumbs up, having "totally nailed" the closing argument.
Sources say medics are now on site tending to the wounded jurists. Rittenhouse has offered to give the lead prosecutor some lessons on how to handle a firearm properly once the prosecutor finishes his own prison sentence.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.