WASHINGTON, D.C.—Press Secretary Jen Psaki lauded the Biden administration for not abandoning a record 331 million Americans in Afghanistan.
According to sources, an unprecedented 331,128,473 Americans are living safely in America and are not abandoned in Afghanistan. This number is 91,543 higher than last week's number, as approximately 91,543 babies were born in America this week.
"What the President has accomplished is simply unparalleled," said Psaki, wiping a tear from her eye. "It's like the Berlin airlift and Dunkirk had a beautiful love child, and that was this evacuation. We think we got about 96% of Americans out, which is A+ homework material, and on top of it all, we turned our homework in early. Boom. Eat that, Peter Doocy."
While the administration did acknowledge that around 250 Americans were stranded in Afghanistan, they are pretty sure 248 of them are Republican. It is believed that tens of thousands of green card holders and Afghan allies are also trapped, but the administration anticipates that will get lost pretty quickly in the news cycle.
Critics pointed out that Biden did not uphold his promise to rescue all Americans, and on top of that gave those still trapped one less day to attempt the dangerous road to the airport. Sources inside the administration say they are sick and tired of journalists saying things like that, instead of praising them for being so awesome.
"We at the White House are frankly fed up with not getting the credit we deserve for being so amazing," said Psaki. "Where's the 'Hey Jen, I'm so impressed with how you ended the Afghanistan war, would you like to expand on how great you are?' Come on, let's be glass-half-full kind of people!"