WASHINGTON, D.C.—Press Secretary Jen Psaki spent today's briefing lauding the heroic, faultless clean-up efforts after President Joe Biden laid an enormous dookie in the middle of the White House lawn.
"Having the President poop in the front lawn was simply unavoidable," said Psaki. "The fact is, he had no choice but to poop. People may be upset by how and where the poop evacuated his body, but it was going to happen. And really, Trump was the one who tied his hands when he told Joe—and I'm paraphrasing here—'poop happens'. But our teams are executing the cleanup to perfection, and I would describe his poop as a complete and total success."
Peter Doocy pointed out that the White House lawn had devolved into chaos, with nearby civilians attempting to claw their eyes out, and the pile of doo-doo remained a giant mess. "Peter, I'm getting pretty tired of you saying out loud what you see with your eyeballs," snapped Psaki. "This public defecation was exactly what we hoped for, and the President executed the laying of his loaf sensationally. Maybe if the lawn was stronger and didn't need our fertilizer, perhaps he wouldn't have had to lay down the doo-doo. But it did, ok? Our best people are scooping the poop as we speak, and they say the grass is going to come back stronger than ever."
Despite Psaki's reassurances, American allies were reportedly caught off guard by the giant turd and expressed deep dismay that they were not informed beforehand. The U.K. expressed particular resentment that despite decades of a special relationship, President Biden did not phone Boris Johnson to warn him of the impending deuce.
Despite complaints from the global community, the State Department has stood by its handling of the operation. "We planned for every contingency," said Secretary of State Antony Blinken. "Whether he was wearing Depends, if he dropped his trousers in the Rose Garden, we were ready for every scenario. Yes, it happened a bit quicker than anticipated, but it has all gone smooth, smoother than expected really. I give Metamucil a lot of credit."