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Quarantined Journalist Really Starting To Annoy Family By Calling Them Racists All Day

WASHINGTON, DC—Things have been a little tense lately in the home of journalist Todd Norbert. Normally, Norbert, a reporter for the New York Times, would be attending White House briefings or other major press conferences, looking for any excuse to accuse public figures of racism. Unfortunately, ever since being quarantined due to COVID-19 concerns, the news writer has been unable to leave his home to vilify politicians for using terms like “Chinese coronavirus”.

Undaunted, he has been forced to innovate and adapt, scouring his own household for signs of hate and prejudice.

When his seven-year-old daughter asked if he wanted to play a game of Chinese checkers, he heroically slapped the game board out of her hands and scolded her: “Mentioning the point of origin is racist! Just call it ‘weird checkers’ or ‘the version of checkers that is nothing like regular checkers’!”

Later that same evening, his wife announced, “Look, honey! I had Mexican food delivered!”

“Wow, Kathleen,” Norbert said, standing up and waving a finger in her face, “just… wow. Don’t call it ‘Mexican’ food! Mentioning Mexico is irrelevant and damaging to marginalized Latinx culture! Call it by its scientific name: ‘Tacos’!”

Norbert didn’t end up getting any tacos that night, and at publishing time was sleeping on an Ottoman, which he calls a "small foot couch."

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