WASHINGTON, D.C.—There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.
The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is more fitting for a team representing the capital of our country. To that end, the team officially announced today they would be renaming themselves to "The Washington Lizard People."
"This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.," said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.'s representative. "All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal."
Politicians immediately expressed their support for the name change, saying they can relate to a team called the Lizard People. "I see a name like Lizard People, and I know that's a team I can be proud of," said Adam Schiff, his eyes hungrily following a fly buzzing around the room. He licked his lips. "Much better than that Redskins nonsense. Hey, look over there, is that Vladimir Putin?" As reporters turned to look, Schiff shot a long tongue out of his mouth, lightning-quick, and nabbed the fly. "Oh, must have been mistaken," he said, shrugging.
"I pushed for 'The Turtles,'" said Mitch McConnell. "But Lizard People is acceptable, I suppose. It implies patriotism, good football, and a reptilian conspiracy to enslave puny, meaningless humanity beneath the glorious, scaly claws of lizardkind, humans forever in subjugation to their cosmic superiors, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"I mean, um... can you believe how bad Nancy Pelosi is?"