Report: Brief After-Church Meeting Still Going On

WOODLANDS, TX—According to text messages and phone calls obtained by police who are in contact with hostages at the scene, a brief, after-church meeting to discuss an upcoming potluck is still going on as of Wednesday morning.

The meeting, called a “quick discussion” for which the pastor asked everyone to stay “just for a few minutes” at the conclusion of Sunday’s service, almost immediately lost focus as various churchgoers brought up completely unrelated issues, which were then discussed by the group for hours at a time.

Frightened members stated their realization that “this thing is never going to end” when one elderly woman in the back brought up her complaints with the morning’s song selection as the meeting approached the fourth hour.

“I don’t really trust any song in 6/8 time,” she said sternly, according to witnesses.

During a brief dinner break Sunday afternoon, one family reportedly made an escape attempt out the back doors, but were thwarted as an associate pastor spotted them and gave them a “leaving so soon?” look that shamed them right back into the building.

“We are in talks with congregants, and though they’re shaken and there were reports of some mild dehydration, it sounds like no one has been harmed so far,” a Woodlands Police Department hostage specialist told reporters. “We are hopeful for the church members’ release from custody sometime in the next 72 hours, once they agree to pick the discussions back up after next week’s service.”

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