UPLAND, CA—According to sources, there are still plenty of incorrect opinions on the internet despite local man Dan Mercer's best efforts to correct them.
"I just don't understand it," Mercer told reporters. "I engage wrong thinking every time I encounter it on the internet, but there's still a lot of it out there. You'd think people would have caught on by now." He then proceeded to crack his knuckles and stretch his hand muscles in preparation for explaining to his aunt why her political opinions expressed on Facebook are incorrect.
The man bravely does battle on Facebook, Twitter, and internet forums all day every day, but despite his hard work, wrong opinions remain on the internet. Mercer covers a wide range of topics. He argues politics and religion with friends and family, explaining why his viewpoints are correct and theirs are dumb. He frequents internet forums focused on everything from classic cars and movies to video games and board games, carefully calling out every opinion that does not align with his own.
"I can't believe you actually think Catan is better with the Cities & Knights expansion!" he wrote on a popular board game forum earlier today. "That's so wrong. All it does is extend a game that's 30 minutes too long in the first place!" He had similar arguments on the merits of The Last Jedi, which is the best battle royale video game out right now, and whether Chevy or Ford made better cars in the '60s.
Even though Mercer performs this important work for up to 8 hours each day, experts still believe it will take him at least another 2,500 years to get all the wrong opinions off of cyberspace.
"We really appreciate Dan's service," said one internet expert. "But there's just too many people who disagree with him out there for him to really make a dent in things."
At publishing time, Mercer had reluctantly confirmed he had never once changed anyone's mind in an internet argument.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.