WASHINGTON D.C.—Fear spread among Republicans as Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was immediately struck blind upon referring to Joe Biden as “President-elect.”
In reaction to the Electoral College vote, McConnell said on the floor of the Senate, “Today, I want to congratulate President-elect Joe Biden.” Right after he said it, McConnell yelled, “Ahh! I can’t see!” Most Republicans took this as punishment for McConnell’s faithlessness in the true presidential election winner, President Trump, and no other Republican followed suit in referring to Biden as the winner.
“It surely is an act of God!” exclaimed Senator Marco Rubio, but reportedly at the same time that McConnell was struck blind, some witnesses saw Trump running by, yelling, “You think Biden won? Have some eye acid!”
Many say McConnell will be able to restore his sight by referring to the election as the "Big Steal” and proclaiming that Trump won in a landslide. Others say he’ll need some sort of eyewash.
In a somewhat similar incident, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez thought she was struck blind for engaging in capitalism by selling merchandise on her website, but it turns out that she just had a bucket stuck on her head.