WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what is being perceived as a possible attempt to deflect months of declining poll results and mounting criticism over his policies, inappropriate behavior, and investigations into possible corruption in his presidential campaign, President Trump came out as gay Thursday morning.
“I owe you all the sincerest apology for my deeply inappropriate, deranged behavior, and I am sorry for the sense of dread you have all been forced to live with these past 10 months,” Trump said during a solemn video address as he choked back tears.
“I choose now to live as a gay man,” he announced, causing the camera crew to break out in applause.
Immediately after the announcement, Trump’s poll numbers skyrocketed, with unprecedented support for his policies erupting throughout the nation and media as the news broke. Trump’s all-time low approval rating of 38% almost instantaneously exploded to 97%, while the vast majority of his outspoken critics on the left voiced their support for his courage and bravery.
Furthermore, the shrewd political move of coming out as gay ended federal investigations into Russian influence on the 2016 election, with FBI special investigator Robert Mueller apologizing for ever looking into the matter.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.