CHARLOTTE, NC—The Republican National Convention has been President Trump’s chance to speak directly to the American people and make the case for his re-election, and Trump saved one big surprise announcement for it: the United States Space Force has defeated the planet Jupiter.
“I know what the main thing is worrying all Americans right now,” Trump told a crowd of supporters who were neither wearing masks nor socially distancing, since that’s for sissies. “You’re worried that lurking out there is our greatest enemy, the planet Jupiter. You no longer need to worry, because it has been defeated!”
Trump described the battle, in which Space Force pummeled Jupiter with nukes, and the enemy planet was so overwhelmed it didn’t even fight back. Trump’s description was very animated and involved his making a “Pew! Pew!” sound numerous times.
“Jupiter is the biggest planet,” Trump added, “and thus defeating it is the greatest military victory ever and makes me the greatest president ever.”
Presidential candidate Joe Biden condemned the attack on Jupiter, calling it “unprovoked,” and then offered up his own house for Jupiter refugees, saying, “I only use the basement, anyway.”