LOS ANGELES, CA—Sources within the East Main Street location of Applebee’s confirmed midday Wednesday that author, motivational speaker, and former pastor Rob Bell was unable to articulate a coherent food order to his server, despite attempting to do so for two straight hours.
“He kept looking at me quizzically and asking me all these existential, open-ended questions,” his server, Jenny Reed, explained to reporters. “After about an hour and probably my twentieth trip to his table to try to get a lunch order out of the guy, I just told him point blank, ‘Look at the menu. Pick what you want to eat. Just point at something.’ But instead he started drawing stick-figures and writing nonsensical phrases on napkins.”
The closest he came to placing a comprehensible order was when Reed asked if he perhaps wanted a hamburger, to which Bell reportedly replied, “I affirm the essence of hamburgers.”
After two hours of ordering nothing but more napkins, Bell was asked to leave.