PHILADELPHIA, PA—At a campaign stop Thursday evening, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders assured the nation that his proposed switch to socialism wouldn't threaten those who wished to keep their means of production.
Sanders has talked often about how the workers are going to steal the means of production from their owners. Americans were getting understandably worried about his proposal since revolutions like that have had questionable results in the past, usually resulting in some unfortunate side effects like an economic slump and also hundreds of millions of deaths.
"Yes, we're going to seize the means of production, but don't worry: if you like your means of production, you can keep your means of production," he said. "There's nothing to fear with socialism. Yes, we're going to alter the way the economy functions in a radical way, but that doesn't mean that you can't keep your factories, your small businesses, or the fruit of your labor."
"Better red than dead!" he added before aides gave him a "cut it out" gesture and he settled for a less inflammatory slogan: "Workers of the world, unite!"
Later, Sanders clarified that he would keep his own means of production, but you would get yours taken away.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.