Satan Announces Masks Will Still Be Required In Hell

HELL—With the lifting of CDC guidance regarding masks for vaccinated persons, Satan has released a statement assuring the damned that masks will still be required in all levels of hell.

In addition to masks, everyone will be forced to wear glasses that fog up instantly and you can never, ever clean them. Masks will only be of the thick, cloth variety that retains the smell of everything you ate for the past three weeks, and only enough air will get through to stay conscious.

“Hell really has very strict standards,” explained the Prince of Darkness. “People come in with these terrible preconceptions, but I run a pretty tight ship around here. The number of masks you have to wear corresponds to the circle of Hell you reside in, which goes to eight right now – Dante was so close! If you ever move your mask down to your chin, one of our demons will spend the next thirty years screaming at you like one of those nuts down on Earth. This whole thing has really been a wonderful addition to our program, really got the creative juices flowing.”

Sources say that in the case of liberals who prefer for everyone to wear masks for all eternity, those souls will be placed in tight quarters with Roman soldiers who will not be required to mask. This is expected to serve an excellent dual purpose of torturing both the screaming liberals and the damned Romans who will have no idea where these masked lunatics came from or why they are yelling ferociously.

For one final touch, Satan will set up monitors which every so often will announce that the mask ‘science’ has changed; but the masks will still remain, for all eternity.

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