DALLAS,TX—Prophecy experts gathered at Dallas Theological Seminary today and confirmed what many have long feared: the Cats movie is the beginning of the end for humanity.
In a theological forum debating the end times, eschatology scholars said they believe the new movie is the first bowl of God's wrath to be poured out on mankind.
"This is it -- the end has come," said one expert in New Testament apocalyptic literature. "The 'foul and painful sores' described are metaphors for the agony, screaming, and crying of audiences as they endure disturbing CGI cats for hours." According to the panel of scholars, those who watch Cats have taken the mark of the Beast and have agreed to worship him, sealing their fate.
"The wrath of God is revealed against all ungodliness," the scholars warned ominously.
The second bowl of God's wrath is thought to be DC's Birds of Prey.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.