PORTLAND, OR—A group of progressive scholars gathered at the annual Comrade Bible Conference to debate theology, whether or not God exists, and if we're all living in a Matrix-style simulation running on a computer in some alien's basement.
The leftist theologians have concluded that the text of Genesis clearly asserts that the first thing Adam and Eve did when they met each other was to exchange pronouns.
"Hi, I'm Adam, Garden of Eden, he/him," Adam is supposed to have said when he first laid eyes on Eve. "I tried out 'they' and 'xe' for a while, but neither felt right." The first man in human history then listed off his various triggers, which were mostly different types of snakes and not being able to eat from the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
"I also get a lot of anxiety when there's a lot of chatter, so if we can just keep that to a minimum, that'd be great."
Adam also reportedly told Eve he wasn't single, just "self-partnered" for a while.
"Hi Adam, I'm Eve, Garden of Eden, she/her," the first woman replied. "I think I'm heterosexual and cisgendered, but you know, I haven't even seen another woman around here, so---you never know!"
The serpent, upon introducing himself, said his pronouns were he and hissssssss.