WORLD—Scientists have issued a dire warning: the current number of Democratic presidential candidates is simply unsustainable.
“No one ever thought this many people would run for president,” said climate scientist Dr. Raymond Hall, “and the planet just can’t take it. We’re talking each of them eating up resources vying for airtime, printing stickers with trite slogans, and flying from Iowa to New Hampshire. If they were actually all to be in one place for a debate, it would be an ecological disaster.”
Scientists recommend the current Democratic field be reduced to less than half the current number or we could see an increase in hurricanes, droughts, kaiju, and “other climate change things.” As for what to do with the excess candidates, researcher Jeannie Perry said, “As always, I’d recommend firing them into space. Barring that, someone should just sit down with them and explain to them that no one is ever going to vote for them and hope that keeps them from running around consuming resources in a futile effort for presidential power.”
Scientists also have recommendations for the average citizen so they can help. First off, they say to never ever say anything even slightly encouraging to a politician, as they always take that as an impetus to run for president. They also say under no circumstances should anyone give money to a candidate, because that only fuels their destructive behavior. Added Dr. Hall, “It would literally be nicer to the planet to dump a barrel of nuclear waste into the ocean.”