WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Secret Service is investigating what they’ve deemed a credible threat against President Joe Biden’s life. Yesterday, while Biden was out getting ice cream, a figure in a black cloak holding a scythe appeared and pointed a finger at Biden while saying, “Your time is near.”
“We’ve identified the individual as the Grim Reaper,” said Mitchell Armstrong, a spokesman for the Secret Service. “He’s apparently motivated by the fact that the president is super-duper old and feeble.”
Handling the threat won’t be easy, as apparently, the Grim Reaper is supernatural, and normal walls won’t stop him. “We’re in the process of obtaining some sort of magic bag that maybe we can trick him into,” said Armstrong. “Though that might end in death for all and have dire consequences.” The Secret Service says they’re also on the lookout for a cloak of invisibility to hide Biden from death.
As for Biden, he seems unconcerned by the threat, having fallen asleep while the Secret Service was briefing him on it.