WASHINGTON, D.C.—As part of the transition to a new administration, the Secret Service is working hard to make the White House safe and secure for the incoming 78-year-old president. One of the most important pieces of hardware in the White House will be Biden's presidential scooter, affectionately dubbed "Chair Force One."
"This will be one of the most advanced pieces of geriatric technology the world has ever seen," said Secret Service Director James Murray. "With the ability to go from 0 to 3 miles per hour in 12 seconds, it will completely encase Mr. Biden in a shell of bulletproof glass as he sits in the back seat and a trained agent drives him around. It's also equipped with Life Alert technology and a handy basket for his daily meds."
Sources say the technological marvel of handicap design will also have built-in teleprompters to help Biden know what words he's supposed to say next during everyday conversation.
"So, you go ahead and stack spaghetti sauce at a store and a supermarket," said Biden, visibly excited about the new scooter. "You control the guy or the woman who runs the … or brings out the carts on a forklift. What happened?”
He then growled at the Secret Service agent driving him around and growled "GET OFF MY CHAIR!" before kicking the poor agent out of his seat and to the ground.