U.S.—The Democrats, always a bunch of mewling sissies, are criticizing yet another Republican plan to protect election integrity, which is to put the only polling place in a vast labyrinth guarded by a fierce minotaur. Democrats are whining that this makes voting “too hard” and “scary.”
“What if the minotaur charges?” asked disgusting beta male Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “And what if you get lost in the labyrinth? It’s so dark in there! This all sounds way too difficult, snarf snarf.”
Republicans pointed out, though, that voting will still be accessible to all, as the labyrinth will have wheelchair ramps. Also, you don’t have to fight the minotaur to prove you’re not trying to commit voter fraud — you can instead just answer its riddle (after showing proper photo ID). And the riddle will also be available in Spanish. In addition, the polling place will be open for fifteen days of early voting — which the Republicans do recommend everyone use since it takes, on average, three days to get through the labyrinth.
“There’s an old Texas saying my pappy used to tell me,” said Texas Governor Greg “Tex” Abbott, a proponent of the change. “‘If you can’t fight a minotaur, then yer probably trying to vote fraudulently.’ Yeehaw!”
Still, Democrats are calling this “voter suppression” because they always have to complain about something. So they’re probably going to cry a lot and write hashtags instead of just manning up and training to use a broadsword for Election Day.