Sméagol Sets Pronouns To Ourses/Theirses
Lifestyle

MIDDLE EARTH—Sméagol, a once Hobbit of the River-Folk, is causing a stir across Middle Earth after announcing theirses plan to start using non-binary “Ourses/Theirses” pronouns. 

Following this statement, Sméagol has made clear that once theirses Ring has been returned then theyses will be the master. “The Precious will be ourses, once the Hobbits are dead!” exclaimed the poor, wretched creature.

“Geez, what’s his problem?” asked Hobbit Samwise Gamgee upon seeing Sméagol arguing back and forth with no one. 

“It’s OURSES!” Sméagol growled after hearing the Hobbit use the wrong pronouns. “Sneaky little hobbitses. Wicked, tricksy, false! They never get ourses pronouns right do they, Precious?!”

Despite the constant reminders that pronouns are easy to get right, the rest of Middle Earth has been slow to keep up. Sméagol has repeatedly stated that failure to use the correct pronouns is a direct act of violence. “It burns. It burns us!” cried Sméagol upon hearing Samwise Gamgee use the wrong pronoun again.

“It’s hopeless! Every orc in Mordor is going to hear this racket!” complained Sam. “Why can't we just use his normal pronouns and be done with this?”

“That would kill us!” wailed Sméagol even more loudly.

At publishing time Sméagol was seen still writhing, and screaming on the ground until Sméagol got theirses way.

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