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Politics U.S.
Jussie Smollett Utilizes Tried-And-True 'I Have A Lot Of Money' Defense

CHICAGO, IL—All charges against Jussie Smollett for faking a hate crime against himself have been dropped after the Empire actor and well-respected employer of Nigerians used the "I have a lot of money" defense in court.

Smollett's legal team argued that while his alleged crimes were bad, on the other hand, he has a lot of money. The legal strategy is known as the "Chicago Special" to locals. It's a standard procedure used in Cook County.

"Yes, Mr. Smollett's behavior does seem to warrant punishment," his attorney said in a special hearing before a judge. "But you also have to consider the fact that he's rich. Furthermore, he has money. And also, did I mention that he is absolutely loaded with cold, hard cash?"

"This concludes my arguments," she said.

The attorney then pulled out a bag of money and tossed it in the general direction of Chicago's finest judges and prosecutors, who made a mad dive for the cash while Smollett walked out a free man.

"We investigated the Jussie case and all we could find was these bags of cash," a prosecutor on the case said, shrugging. "That's enough exonerating evidence for us."

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