NEWARK, TX—Well, knock yourself onto the ground and call yourself a faith healer: Kenneth Copeland is offering to rebuke the coronavirus for just $1,200 per patient in a "Stimulus Check Bonanza Special," the prosperity gospel preacher announced in an infomercial released today.
"I tell you what, there's nowhere better to safeguard your hard-earned stimulus check than in my giant money vault--err, I mean, my ministry's humble checking account," Copeland said. "Invest that $1,200 and I will rebuke the heck out of your virus. You get healing, I get a new luxury jet -- that's a win-win, as far as I'm concerned."
"Coronaviruses of all shapes and sizes will DISAPPEAR when I speak the magic words of faith and victory over them!" he shouted. "That's right, for the low, low price of $1,200, you too can kiss that unsightly COVID-19 goodbye for good!"
"But wait, there's more -- if you call right now, I'll rebuke that nasty foot fungus you've been fighting off absolutely free, as long as you offer a donation of an extra $1,200."
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.