U.S.—A new study has shown what coffee-drinkers have long known to be true: a lack of coffee directly increases the sinfulness of your thoughts, attitudes, emotions, and desires.
"For instance, you're much more likely to want to punch somebody in the face before you've had that sweet, sweet nectar from heaven," said lead researcher Dr. Bob Anthony Anderson. "As you consume more and more coffee, the chances that you'll flip somebody off, snap at your kids, or tell someone you wish they were dead decreases dramatically."
According to researchers, once you've had about two gallons of coffee for the day, you approach near-perfect levels of sanctification, nearing the righteousness of Tim Tebow, Kirk Cameron, and John Piper. Before you start drinking coffee, you're pretty much Satan incarnate.
"Well, I don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but the research seems clear here," said Anderson. "You should drink as much coffee as possible if you truly desire to be Christlike."
It's a difficult sacrifice, but if we're serious about our Christian walk, it seems we should apply the results of this study to our lives and go suck down some more delicious pour-overs, cappuccinos, and iced lattes.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.