POLK, UT—An exhaustive new study from the CDC reveals that the leading cause of gun violence in America is your political opponents. Researchers looked at a number of potential causes of gun violence such as mental health, family situation, cultural shifts, gun laws, rap music, videogames, sugar consumption, and the actual gunman, but by and large, the most prominent cause of gun violence was what most already suspected. The fault lies with those who you disagree with politically.
Researchers say they almost forgot to even consider the idea that the shooter had any volition or free will of their own. After looking into it, they said that the gunman was, "...a moot point. The fact is, even if the gunman didn't act, your political opponents would have caused the violence one way or another," lead researcher Karl Porkenheimer. "They wanted this in the first place."
Other findings include:
- 99% of gun violence will end the moment your political opponents are wiped from existence
- A large amount of gun violence is prevented every year by vulgar tirades against your political opponents online
- Tests revealed large traces of blood on the hands of your political opponents
"These results are pretty conclusive," said Porkenheimer. "Your political opponents are the real problem here. Americans have a lot of work to do, and that work starts with calling those you disagree with politically murderers. If enough of us can manage to do that, just maybe we'll see a shift in these horrible attacks."