LANSING, MI—A barrage of activities in which youngster Jacob Philips was instructed to paste dry macaroni noodles onto various Bible characters and scenes is adequately preparing the child to make his faith his own when he comes of age, sources close to the boy confirmed Tuesday.
The young man’s church is careful to provide biblically based curriculum, which consists mostly of just having the kids color pictures of Noah’s ark or glue macaroni onto pictures of Jesus.
“Every time he uses a glue stick to paste macaroni onto Moses’s face, he is drawn a little closer to Jesus,” his Sunday school teacher told reporters. “It’s a cohesive sanctification package—they sing ‘Jesus Loves Me,’ they make crafts out of macaroni, toilet paper tubes, and glitter, they drink punch and eat cookies. It’s foolproof.”
According to sources within the church, the kids who graduate into the youth program are then put on a healthy diet of wacky games and fun events to ensure that they’ll be prepared to face an increasingly post-Christian culture when they go out into the real world.