WASHINGTON, D.C.—By issuing a ruling in favor of a Christian baker in the Masterpiece Cakeshop v. Colorado Civil Rights Commission case this morning, the Supreme Court dragged the nation right into a dystopian nightmare in which business owners can openly practice their faith and run their businesses in a manner consistent with their personal beliefs, somber sources reported Monday.
The nation unanimously agreed that the decision was diametrically opposed to the values of the founders, who almost certainly intended for the state to force small business owners to create art for causes that fly in the face of their religion.
“Just think of the slippery slope the Court has pushed us down here: if the state of Colorado couldn’t force this baker to participate in a gay wedding, we’re not that far off from Nazi Germany,” one teary-eyed progressive commentator said on MSNBC. “Freedom to run your business in a way that does not violate your religion or conscience is not what the founding fathers had in mind when they penned the Constitution. They definitely weren’t big on religious liberty.”
“The members of the Court who voted in favor of the Masterpiece Cakeshop clearly want to turn the country into a horrifying hellscape where people can’t be compelled to support others’ behavior,” she added before breaking down into sobs.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.