GERMANY—In a new study, ten out of ten Nazi scientists strongly recommended against opening the Ark of the Covenant, or attempting to locate, dig up, or otherwise mess with the relic from ancient Israel in any way.
"Nazis don't let other Nazis mess with the Ark," said one Nazi scientist working in a secret underground Third Reich lab. "I know it's tempting to use its mystical powers to rebirth the Third Reich in glory and attempt to conquer the globe once more, but trust us. It's not worth it. It will not end well."
"Beware the Ark!" he added forebodingly as he gazed off into the distance, as though looking into the face of some unknown horror scratching at the doors of reality.
The Nazi researchers confirmed that opening the Ark of the Covenant has been linked to various health problems, including sudden death, the burning of your helpless writhing body, and the melting off of your face as you cackle and scream maniacally. While closing one's eyes can potentially lessen or avert some of these effects, the surveyed Nazi scientists all agreed that the risk wasn't worth it.
At publishing time, they had also recommended against watching Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
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